


teach me how to be okay

by orphan_account



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: (never directly stated but reggie is mentioned), (referring to the accident tm), (since five never directly states it), Blood, Blood and Injury, Body Image, Canonical Child Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, In a way??, Luther Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Luther Hargreeves-centric, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Nonbinary Number Five | The Boy, POV Luther Hargreeves, Paranoia, Past Abuse, Sad Luther Hargreeves, Scars, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Indulgent, Sibling Bonding, They/Them Pronouns for Number Five | The Boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:47:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22455214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: His clothes tear under the chandelier and they see it all.He hopes, distantly, that the burning feeling down his back will convince them that all the scars are fresh.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Luther Hargreeves
Comments: 8
Kudos: 162





	teach me how to be okay

**Author's Note:**

> [[ DETAILED TAG WARNINGS ]]  
> \- SELF-HARM; the first scene occurs directly after luther self-harming. the wound is described vaguely, as well as the blood on his hands and the pain resulting. this is as graphic as i was comfortable getting for this particular fic.  
> \- BLOOD; see above.  
> \- BLOOD & INJURY; see above.  
> \- SCARS; the scars on luther's body (visible in the show) are vaguely referenced. five has scars covering their arm, which they show in the last scene.  
> \- SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES; source-typical luther stuff. mildly implied with five as well, but that isn't focused on in this fic.  
> \- IMPLIED/REFERENCED SELF HARM; five shows their scars and gives their reasoning, but it isn't spoken about in detail. (if you've seen episode 1, you know.)  
> \- CANONICAL CHILD ABUSE; reginald is mentioned at least once, and luther refers to himself and five as child soldiers.  
> \- IMPLIED/REFERENCED CHILD ABUSE; see above.  
> \- PAST ABUSE; see above.  
> \- BODY IMAGE; source-typical luther stuff. five's discomfort with their own body is mentioned at least once.  
> \- NON-CONSENSUAL BODY MODIFICATION; source-typical luther stuff.
> 
> the stuff regarding five's gender/pronouns isn't plot-important, i just really love enby five and felt like writing them with they/them pronouns today!!
> 
> i hope you enjoy, but make sure to take care of yourself first and foremost!!

Nobody should know.

The first thing Luther thinks, when his bloodied fingers still, when he looks down at the throbbing patches of skin and sees that he’s only ruined it further, is that nobody should know. Nobody should know that Luther Hargreeves, the world-renowned Spaceboy, the last standing hero of the Academy, had sunk so low.

But he couldn’t help it.

He’s - he’s a freak. Father - _Sir_ had saved his life, and given him a curse in return, the body he’d taken for granted twisted into something ugly and inhuman. He wonders if he can even call himself Spaceboy anymore, if the girls on the streets will still fawn as he walks past, if the tabloids that day were full of anything but blood and gore and “Spaceboy Saved; But At What Cost?”

Being pretty was never his job - his job was to save people, ever since he was young, all he was to the world was a hero - but it had certainly made it easier to face the world alone when his siblings were occupied, or injured, or gone.

And now - now he’s just made it worse, hasn’t he? There are giant scrapes up his sides, and his fingertips are covered in blood, and it stings and aches as he moves - but this is far from the first time he’s tried to fix himself. And, knowing him, far from the last.

He’s almost happy to be alone today, because he knows nobody will see him cry.

* * *

His clothes tear under the chandelier and they see it all.

He hopes, distantly, that the burning feeling down his back will convince them that all the scars are fresh.

* * *

“You’re an idiot.”

He pauses, halfway out of the door, and turns to look at his sibling. Five is perched on the counter like a bird, though they don’t seem to be doing much preening. They sip their coffee slowly, eyes never leaving his face, and he remembers very suddenly that Five has killed before.

He blinks. Gapes like a fish for a few moments - he’s never been eloquent - and then, “What?”

“You’re an idiot,” Five says simply, shifting their grip on the coffee mug, “if you think you fooled me.”

“If I-” he blinks. Five’s lip twitches in something between amusement and annoyance. “What would- Five, what would I be lying about?”

Their eyes burn into his. Their lip twitches again - definitely annoyance this time, maybe a little concern - before they sigh, set their mug down beside them, and roll up their blazer sleeve.

Something painful twists in Luther’s gut to see that many scars on such a small arm.

He can’t keep himself from staring, heart sinking, even as Five lowers their arm and (sleeve still rolled) reaches for their coffee again. The time-traveller doesn’t look unsettled in the slightest, though Luther knows them well enough by now to see the practiced look of apathy on their face, applied especially for emotional occasions. They take a sip.

And then, slowly, gently; “You can’t fool me. I know this game.”

He supposes that might sound cold, to somebody who hasn’t known five for long - but their mask of indifference is cracking slightly, and he watches as their face scrunches minutely. Five has never been good at emotions. Five has always, like Luther, been a soldier at heart, albeit a much more reluctant one when they were kids.

With Five, “you can’t fool me” means “you don’t need to hide it”. With Five, “I know this game” means “I’ve been there too”.

It’s a struggle to find words that feel right in reply. “You-” he swallows, fidgets, suddenly feels far too big and visible (which was the problem in the first place, wasn’t it?). “You do this, too?”

Five doesn’t speak, but they nod sharply in acknowledgement, gaze shifting slightly.

“Y-You-” breathing feels harder now, but he doesn’t want to cry, not when Five is here to see it. “You hate… you hate being young that much…?”

The ex-assassin stares. Something venomous flickers in their eyes. “Is that what made you do it, then? You hate how you look? You hate how others perceive you?”

Spaceboy bites his tongue. Five hums in acknowledgement.

“That’s not my problem,” they shrug, taking another sip. “I just like to know what’s under my skin at all times. You never know when another murderous time agency decides it’s time to get you again.”

They quieten suddenly, fidgeting with the cuff of their unrolled blazer sleeve - they only fidget when they’re nervous, he absently acknowledges - and sigh, sliding to their feet. They’ve already made it across the room to him before he can so much as flinch - no flash-of-blue teleportation needed - and, though they’re far too small next to him, they reach up and pat nonchalantly at his shoulder, as if their talk had been nothing but casual.

They bite their lip. Unroll their sleeve. Sigh.

“Don’t fucking lie, Luther,” their usual half-growl of annoyance is half-hearted at best. “We’re all fucked up. And…” they bite their lip again, “and fucking tell me when you want that. I’d allow you to spar with me as a distraction. Just like old times.”

With that, Five disappears in a flash of blue.

**Author's Note:**

> so i was rambling to my boyfriend (who has never seen or read tua) abt luther canonically self-harming and them just never mentioning it, and he encouraged me to write something about it, so here we go!!  
> this isn't my best work ever but in my defense, luther and five are difficult enough to write in emotional situations when other characters are involved, never mind alone bcvhbgvchj  
> this has a ton of lowkey projection onto both luther & five, jsyk.
> 
> anyway!!! my tumblr is @miriocore if anyone's interested!!!  
> title is from "prom queen" by beach bunny


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